Story Time #3: Growing Up

Growing up wasn’t so easy for me. My dad was always deployed or just decided not to come home. I had helped my mom raise my little brother since my dad was never around to help. But the days he was home all my parents did was argue and fight leaving  me to listen while my brother was too young to even understand what was going on. As the next few years passed it started to be the same thing every day; I took care of my brother, ate then went to bed. When I was in 8th grade my parents had finally decided to get in a divorce, I mean yes I was so use to them arguing anyways but it still hurt when they got divorced.

My dad always favored my brother, but for me … no he doesn’t like me.  ” You look and act so much like your mother I cant handle looking at you to talking to you sometimes” my dad tells me. The only reason why he hasn’t sent me to live with my mom full time is because he just uses me to clean the house and take care of my brother all the time because well he didn’t want to do it himself. When I was my brothers age my dads punishment for me was to get a few “spanking” or just getting hit in general, but my brother doesn’t even get in trouble for anything and instead my dad blames it on me for not raising my brother right. Today my dad punishes me by literally just locking me in my room with no phone, art, books or anything to let my mind yell at myself as I cry.

As for my mom she is the total opposite of my dad. I love it when I’m with her. She doesn’t treat me any differently than my brother, she doesn’t yell at me for no reason, she has me do reasonable chores, she doesn’t hit me and best of all when I’m grounded I’m able to read and draw. My moms more of a friend parent who is acts like a friend but when its needed she acts like a parent.

Now that my families put side its time to talk about more mental and emotional problems that I have and how it has effected the way I grew up. Due to my parents fighting all the time I was so use to being alone and not having anyone to talk to about any of my problems. Now by lonely I don’t mean to have no friends but I mean having someone who really cared about your problems and life. And ever since my punishment of being locked in my room started I had developed anxiety and depression because when I’m in there I basically talk to myself and thinking about the worse of life. I had cut and done stuff that I am ashamed of to this day, and I’m not saying I don’t do these things anymore. With these “diseases” on my back its really hard for me to gain trust from anyone or just make any friends in general. I usually try to be happy and put on a smile and talk for the people who do care about me and at school. But when I just cant smile anymore I’m quiet and have just a blank stare to only show who I truly am. Then once that happens the people who “know me” complain how I’m not me and how they don’t like it when I look sad, but if they really truly knew me they would know that how I naturally feel on a daily basis.

I have grown distant from many people in different ways. I grew up my parents fighting night and day with depression and anxiety lurking behind me as I listened. I’m not saying that I’ve had the worst child hood out of anyone who lived, I just want to share my experiences and hope people can relate to me.

 

Story Teller- Myself

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